Life is complicated. Forms are more complicated.

So, ADHD is a bitch.  Getting meds for it is worse, apparently.  The doc gave me a script yesterday, and I dutifully dropped it off at a local pharmacy.  Came back to pick it up after doing the adult thing and buying groceries for the week, and turned out the doc had written the script wrong (that particular strength didn't come in "extended release" apparently).  So, got it switched out successfully today and dropped it back off by the pharmacy.  Went back to get it, only to find out that it wouldn't be ready for at least three days because the insurance requires pre-authorization.  *sigh*  Paperwork.  Don't they know that people with ADHD don't do paperwork?  Can't do paperwork?

I can barely function at a high enough level to go to the grocery store.  I used to wonder how I got into med school when I couldn't navigate the aisles at the local convenience mart.  I mean, there I am, list in hand, but no clue where to find ANYTHING that's on the list.  So I end up walking down each aisle anyway, scanning the rows for some visual clue to the location of the item for which I was so desperately searching.  And who exactly thought it was such a grand idea to have so many product choices?  It takes me 30 minutes to choose a breakfast cereal for the week!!  The choices are simply overwhelming.

Paperwork is also overwhelming.  Recently, I filled out an application for an apartment.  It was a physical strain to concentrate long enough to remember the information and put it in the correct blank.  I finished, sweating from the rigorous mental exertion, and handed it with a proud smile to the lady behind the desk.  The first apartment application I've filled out all by myself!!  I think I'm actually becoming a responsible adult!!  My ego was quickly crushed when the lady, her eyebrows cocked suspiciously, asked me in a withering voice to "Please, sign the application.  We canNOT process the application without your signature."

Life doesn't make a whole lot of sense sometimes.  I just don't understand how it is possible for me to function at such a high level during emergency situations and simultaneously fail so miserably at the things teenagers do without problem....for instance, I am ashamed to admit how long it took me to learn to write a personal check.

To this day, I hate going to a new restaurant because I don't know what to choose.  I also don't like going to parties.  I am best with one-on-one conversations, but I can successfully handle small groups...say, four individuals tops.  After that, I get so swamped by the multitude of conversations going on around me, I can't decide which to focus on, so I usually end up staring at the wall in panic, hoping someone will come rescue me and just tell me what to do.

*sigh*  "Responsible adulthood" still seems like such an unattainable dream.  Shoot, I can't even remember to turn off the stove.

DAMNIT!!  I GOTTA GO TURN OFF THE  STOVE!

Baby Rose!! ^_^

So a while back, like, this summer, my friend and I went for a hike on some DNR land.  Well...ok, technically we were going to pick blackberries.  Here's what happened.

Side note:  here is an example of how ADHD completely interferes with normal life.  I type the short paragraph above, then glance aimlessly at the shelf above my laptop as I am mentally arranging the berry-picking story.  Then I spy a bag of candies and I'm like "Ooooo!!  Chocolate!" and grab the bag.  Unfortunately, my impulsivity had already reduced this bag of chocolates to one candy.  Because I've only had the bag since Saturday's excursion to the grocery store, I am immediately stricken with guilt at consuming so much candy over the past two-and-a-half days.  I grudgingly toss the bag back upon the shelf.  Then I'm like, "Oooo!!  I'll make jello!!"  So I go to the kitchen and made jello (orange).  Then I realize that it will take 4ish hours to cool properly, but this is not acceptable.  I'm hungry and I want my snack now!  So I rip open a box of breakfast bars like a feeding she-bear, and pour myself a glass of tea.  I finally make it back to the laptop...but my 10-minute "study break" was over a long time ago.  *Sigh*  

I'll return to the berry-picking story at my next study break.

Later!

Examinations

"One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."  -Albert Einstein

Yeah.  About that.  See, at one time I *loved* school.  When I was in undergrad, I took practice standardized tests for fun!!  (I already told you I was a nerd.)  Then came the MCAT.  I crammed so hard and was so stressed for that one exam that my psyche was permanently scarred.

I was waitlisted at first, and began grudgingly preparing to take the MCAT again.  But luckily, I was accepted and did not have to repeat the exam!  Imagine my excitement!

I was a fool.

Sorry to burst the bubbles of any pre-meds out there, but med school is hard.  And unforgiving.  And it doesn't care if you have ADHD and get distracted by shiny objects when you should be focusing on the pathways of lipid metabolism.    The entire first year, I felt as if I were drowning, and that every time I came up for a gasp of air, some exam would come batter me over the head until I was once again submerged and hopeless.

And you know what the worst part is?  You can't cry for help.  A drowning person can shout, and people will swiftly come to the rescue.  But in med school, if you say that you're struggling, the professors think that you're not trying hard enough and your classmates think you're stupid and then start talking behind your back.  "Did you hear about that Em?  She made a C on the last exam!!  haha, I haven't made lower than a 92 all year!  She must be stupid, those questions were easy!!"

But they don't know what it's like.   They can just sit down and study for four hours straight...and be really productive for four hours straight!  When *I* sit down to study for four hours, I usually get distracted after about 15 minutes.  Then a few minutes later I'll come to the sharp realization that I'm staring into space, bouncing up and down on my exercise ball, and not at all retaining information.  This cycle repeats itself ad nauseum.  They don't know what it's like to have to shove information into a brain that's behaving like a toddler being forced to eat Gerber's spinach + peaches + rice cereal.  It is so tiring, having to constantly fight mind and body to be still enough and focused enough to read through a lecture packet. 

Don't get me wrong...I still like learning, and I do find the human body fascinating.  It's just so hard to keep the pace expected by the professors.  And that engenders frustration and despair.

The sad thing is, I can't imagine doing anything else with my life.  While I'm sure I have the ability to be successful at almost any other career, I know I won't be happy doing anything else but medicine.  So I will continue to endure one soul-bashing exam after another until I get that damn MD, or die trying.

Later.